11 July 2008
everlong.
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang
Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
running.
i braved the 32nd milo marathon on july 6 despite being a flood casualty, lacking training for almost 2 years and the looming mood disorders. i was not as excited as the first time i joined the (sissy!) 3k fun run during the UPV sportsfest 7 years ago.
my 3 year-old pair of shoes also needs some gluing. OH MY GOD.
so at 9 pm when my son was alrady fast asleep, i took time to brush the trainers and applied the ever-popular sniff drug known as "rugby". when i was done applying, i turned the rear leg of our heavy bamboo chairs into weights to make sure that the newly-glued trainers could withstand the 5k run along calle real and gen. luna.
then i had problem falling asleep. it's already 1130 pm and it seemed i had to count sheep to get my needed rest before the run tomorrow. i'll run lacking sleep but that's okay. i used to run lacking sleep and with the perfect most cute hang over and finished without any difficulty. i strongly hoped lack of training and mood disorders would just be little potholes compared to the hangover.
and then 50 meters from the starting line a fat guy stepped into my loosely tied left shoe.
i am starting to really hate these fat guys. aside from occupying too much space, they create an imbalance in food distribution and are probably the primary, if not the sole, cause of world hunger stalking many developing countries right now.
and becasue of that fat guy i'm totally DONE.
i spent a good 20 second or more fixing my shoe and tying my shoelace making sure no fat guy foot could ever take them of my gaddam skinny foot.
then i ran and ran and ran and ran and couldn't seem to find my second wind. but god (yes!) is great and i eventually got my second wind reward 15 minutes through the run. the winner of the 5k marathon had just passed me by. he was only 1k away from the finish line and i still have 4k to go.
nothing is ever harder than lack of training. believe me.
but still, i am quite satisfied by my 40minute run for the 5k since i expected i would perform worse.
my sister, on the other hand did really well, she finished without stopping for a walk or anything, except that 1.5k to finish she stepped into a wet silt from the latest typhoon/flood and slipped, gashing her left knee.
i'm really quite satisfied although i know i could have performed better and given more. i'll charge my poor performance to well, of course, my 2 year training absentee, my poor diet and lack of proper hydration above all else. the first was due to my pregnancy, although i always try to avoid this as an excuse because one female filipino who had a 5-month old son was able to reach mt. everest. the last two i blame on the typhoon because 2 weeks before the run i resorted to practically a diet of junk equivalent to maybe my 2 months consumption of junk food on ordinary and regular days. We also had to save water so we drank only as little as we could because potable water is a luxury during that post-typhoon week so there's little cleansing adn detoxifying and hydrating that i could do.
next year we'll do better. hopefully i could bring my son along for the kiddie 3k.
hopefully.
my 3 year-old pair of shoes also needs some gluing. OH MY GOD.
so at 9 pm when my son was alrady fast asleep, i took time to brush the trainers and applied the ever-popular sniff drug known as "rugby". when i was done applying, i turned the rear leg of our heavy bamboo chairs into weights to make sure that the newly-glued trainers could withstand the 5k run along calle real and gen. luna.
then i had problem falling asleep. it's already 1130 pm and it seemed i had to count sheep to get my needed rest before the run tomorrow. i'll run lacking sleep but that's okay. i used to run lacking sleep and with the perfect most cute hang over and finished without any difficulty. i strongly hoped lack of training and mood disorders would just be little potholes compared to the hangover.
and then 50 meters from the starting line a fat guy stepped into my loosely tied left shoe.
i am starting to really hate these fat guys. aside from occupying too much space, they create an imbalance in food distribution and are probably the primary, if not the sole, cause of world hunger stalking many developing countries right now.
and becasue of that fat guy i'm totally DONE.
i spent a good 20 second or more fixing my shoe and tying my shoelace making sure no fat guy foot could ever take them of my gaddam skinny foot.
then i ran and ran and ran and ran and couldn't seem to find my second wind. but god (yes!) is great and i eventually got my second wind reward 15 minutes through the run. the winner of the 5k marathon had just passed me by. he was only 1k away from the finish line and i still have 4k to go.
nothing is ever harder than lack of training. believe me.
but still, i am quite satisfied by my 40minute run for the 5k since i expected i would perform worse.
my sister, on the other hand did really well, she finished without stopping for a walk or anything, except that 1.5k to finish she stepped into a wet silt from the latest typhoon/flood and slipped, gashing her left knee.
i'm really quite satisfied although i know i could have performed better and given more. i'll charge my poor performance to well, of course, my 2 year training absentee, my poor diet and lack of proper hydration above all else. the first was due to my pregnancy, although i always try to avoid this as an excuse because one female filipino who had a 5-month old son was able to reach mt. everest. the last two i blame on the typhoon because 2 weeks before the run i resorted to practically a diet of junk equivalent to maybe my 2 months consumption of junk food on ordinary and regular days. We also had to save water so we drank only as little as we could because potable water is a luxury during that post-typhoon week so there's little cleansing adn detoxifying and hydrating that i could do.
next year we'll do better. hopefully i could bring my son along for the kiddie 3k.
hopefully.
10 July 2008
depression.
it has been a very difficult end of June and beginning of July. It would even be more difficult in August and September, the hungry months.
flood water inside our house at 3pm.
i usually measure in feet.at 3pm the flood water is about 1.5 feet.
it will peak at 1630 to more or less 2.5-3 feet.
i usually measure in feet.at 3pm the flood water is about 1.5 feet.
it will peak at 1630 to more or less 2.5-3 feet.
by 3 pm water on the streets has risen to at least 3 feet.
And that is not without a very strong current.
Manong sikad driver ended his shift early,
tied his pedicad somewhere and salvaged
the seat to save himself.
It' s not even halfway through the month but i've only got 500 bucks in my wallet. i totally overspent during the 1st week of the flood, panic buying food and spending too much on water. I never imagined in my whole life that water would be this costly, even the water i'll use to wash my face with. We had to buy drinking water a kilometer away from our house and transportation is never cheap.
the guy from door 9 playing with the floating spare tire
that has escaped from our landlord's flooded garage.
another landlord garage's escapist.
maybe i should start praying now. maybe we should really go to mass now.
quite convincing?
but i never really turned to praying nor to church going even in my darkest, loneliest days of 2003. instead, i turned to zoloft and epival. maybe i should start getting back to them. maybe i should...but there's...maybe i should just buy water...and see friends on the weekends, watch AD's sarsuela rehearsals and walk alone along General Luna at dusk unafraid and unmindful of probable pickpockets, snatchers, murderers because i don't look like i have money at all except that i'm showing some legs because i was wearing mini-skirt and i go home to find my son asleep and i changed and washed and went to sleep because tomorrow would be another day.
i hope i can stop thinking about killing myself.
19 June 2008
quote for the day:
There's a diffrence between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success.
Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions.
A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.
YEAH.
There's a diffrence between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success.
Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions.
A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.
YEAH.
18 June 2008
so much to say.
2 of them arrived in 3rd week of May -- the big boss and the traffic survey analyst. the boss is old, literally and figuratively while the traffic survey analyst is young and new -- or at least compared to most of the consultants in the team. the boss also came with a lighter disposition. i surmised he and the analyst are friends or at least close acquaintances. they are both taller than the average Filipinos. One is skinny with a hair, body and posture like Palito. the other has a healthy build with ear-length gray-streaked hair and much taller. i look like a little girl with these two if not for the Palito body type of the big boss.
the next day the new PI expert came. i knew her from way back but only from afar. she is also big. and old. but imposing. i think her eyeliner was tattooed and so was her eyebrows because the liner is already showing its greenish tint while the brow's end fades to light brown. she knits her brows all the time and talks, or should i say, explains a lot. she is afraid of the big skinny boss.
the big boss hands her the tasks for the next 4-5 weeks. she panics and ushers me to the corner asking me to explain what has just transpired between her and the big boss and what is on the paper. i had to eavesdrop all the time and sometimes butt in in conversations that did not include me because of the language barrier. somehow the big boss welcomes my unintentional interruptions. i think he feels even thankful.
then i tell him about the schedule of the expert. to note, we are already a week without wi-fi. the other expert is in afghanistan, in kabul. or maybe japan. or maybe cairo. big skinny boss then tells me to send a message ---fast!! -- because the expert has to be here at this day and not the next day because that was what has been agreed in the headquarters in tokyo and that was what has been approved and said and noted and documented and disseminated ---- !!
s0.
i rush to the internet station a block away.
it took him 2 days to reply. he said he just got back from Cotabato and he visited his parents in tokyo or some city in japan. now that's settled. our traffic management expert will come on timeas instructed.
back to translating.
after a few days the analyst asked me for some clarifications about the project. i shifted from secretary mode to historian mode. i told him of the story of our project. how it began, the ocnflicts that arose, the rebellions and mutiny, and why up to now past issues can't seem to come to end. the conversation ended with a more confused analyst and a sorry me.
2 weeks after. with the analyst. inside the car roaming around the rainy Iloilo City. we shuttled from the arilines booking office, which unfortunately we found close and to the renowed Botica China of Iloilo City. He has been telling us about his plan to go to a chinese medicine pharmacy for the past 2 days. Botica China looks like a rundown old chinese store forn the outside. Like Melly's Store 5 or 10 years ago. i dunno what it looks like from the inside because i have never been there. he went inside alone bringing his Nikon D100 DSLR with him. it took him more than 30 minutes to come back. i thought maybe Botica China is like a portal that brings you straight to China. when he got back to the car, he told me the sales lady were not chinese. i guess he was disappointed. we passed by the congested intersection in the city center ont he way to his hotel. he opens the window and took several quick shots. he closed it again with a grin on his face. "it's congested now," he says. I said, "yeah," and he tells me of the big boss. said skinny big boss does not share much information, which is a somewhat bad. said big skinny boss keeps all information to himself, like a selfish little kid leaving everybody clueless about everything. Before he goes down he tells me it's no big matter to him really, if the big skinny boss is like that, it's just that he thinks it's not so good at all for the project and for the rest of the team. Then off he goes.
I tell Manong Cesar to drive me straight home.
everyday PI expert would nag me about little matters which i try patiently to explain or provide her with. after all, it is my task to be the superhero here.
2nd week of june. which is now. we cancelled the rest of our plans to go around the project areas because the big skinny boss is crazy. he flooded us with gazillion of tasks with impossible deadlines and so we are stuck to the office. 3 days ago the aircon gave up on us. the PMO will fix it but we know help will come in 2 months. we are virtually working inside a 4X6 oven. traffic management expert's blood pressure is rising. he said when he is finished with the translation he would die because his blood pressure just rose from the email big skinny boss just sent and it is made by our lack of fresh air and the oven-like temperature inside our office. traffic management expert said we just pray to god that we will survive the week. he had a silly smile on his face when he said that.
it's 14:53. if i move a bit i'll be drenched in sweat. what can we do...what can we do...
the next day the new PI expert came. i knew her from way back but only from afar. she is also big. and old. but imposing. i think her eyeliner was tattooed and so was her eyebrows because the liner is already showing its greenish tint while the brow's end fades to light brown. she knits her brows all the time and talks, or should i say, explains a lot. she is afraid of the big skinny boss.
the big boss hands her the tasks for the next 4-5 weeks. she panics and ushers me to the corner asking me to explain what has just transpired between her and the big boss and what is on the paper. i had to eavesdrop all the time and sometimes butt in in conversations that did not include me because of the language barrier. somehow the big boss welcomes my unintentional interruptions. i think he feels even thankful.
then i tell him about the schedule of the expert. to note, we are already a week without wi-fi. the other expert is in afghanistan, in kabul. or maybe japan. or maybe cairo. big skinny boss then tells me to send a message ---fast!! -- because the expert has to be here at this day and not the next day because that was what has been agreed in the headquarters in tokyo and that was what has been approved and said and noted and documented and disseminated ---- !!
s0.
i rush to the internet station a block away.
it took him 2 days to reply. he said he just got back from Cotabato and he visited his parents in tokyo or some city in japan. now that's settled. our traffic management expert will come on timeas instructed.
back to translating.
after a few days the analyst asked me for some clarifications about the project. i shifted from secretary mode to historian mode. i told him of the story of our project. how it began, the ocnflicts that arose, the rebellions and mutiny, and why up to now past issues can't seem to come to end. the conversation ended with a more confused analyst and a sorry me.
2 weeks after. with the analyst. inside the car roaming around the rainy Iloilo City. we shuttled from the arilines booking office, which unfortunately we found close and to the renowed Botica China of Iloilo City. He has been telling us about his plan to go to a chinese medicine pharmacy for the past 2 days. Botica China looks like a rundown old chinese store forn the outside. Like Melly's Store 5 or 10 years ago. i dunno what it looks like from the inside because i have never been there. he went inside alone bringing his Nikon D100 DSLR with him. it took him more than 30 minutes to come back. i thought maybe Botica China is like a portal that brings you straight to China. when he got back to the car, he told me the sales lady were not chinese. i guess he was disappointed. we passed by the congested intersection in the city center ont he way to his hotel. he opens the window and took several quick shots. he closed it again with a grin on his face. "it's congested now," he says. I said, "yeah," and he tells me of the big boss. said skinny big boss does not share much information, which is a somewhat bad. said big skinny boss keeps all information to himself, like a selfish little kid leaving everybody clueless about everything. Before he goes down he tells me it's no big matter to him really, if the big skinny boss is like that, it's just that he thinks it's not so good at all for the project and for the rest of the team. Then off he goes.
I tell Manong Cesar to drive me straight home.
everyday PI expert would nag me about little matters which i try patiently to explain or provide her with. after all, it is my task to be the superhero here.
2nd week of june. which is now. we cancelled the rest of our plans to go around the project areas because the big skinny boss is crazy. he flooded us with gazillion of tasks with impossible deadlines and so we are stuck to the office. 3 days ago the aircon gave up on us. the PMO will fix it but we know help will come in 2 months. we are virtually working inside a 4X6 oven. traffic management expert's blood pressure is rising. he said when he is finished with the translation he would die because his blood pressure just rose from the email big skinny boss just sent and it is made by our lack of fresh air and the oven-like temperature inside our office. traffic management expert said we just pray to god that we will survive the week. he had a silly smile on his face when he said that.
it's 14:53. if i move a bit i'll be drenched in sweat. what can we do...what can we do...
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