I SAID I FEEL SO SMASHING PUMPKINS TODAY. AND SINCE YESTERDAY.
I've wasted all my years
Been chasin' all my fears
For another
Brighter than you
I gave in long ago
To make it to the show
It's not easy
When you're alone
All your prayers
In my ears
Don't you care
Whir yourself around
Just to fall back down
Whir yourself around
My honey, little girl
C'mon let's go for a whirl
It's still early
Sun is sleeping
She says she wants to marry me
She says she wants a baby
It's not easy
When you're scared
Whir yourself around
Just to fall back down
Whir yourself around
All your prayers
In my ears
Don't you care
30 July 2008
tantrums.
while listening to eraserfuckingheads.
one excuse allowing me to a tantrums spree today is my runny nose and everything that the post-trangkaso condition has to offer. but an adult throwing tantrums is a big thumbs down, more so if she's broke like me.
hemingways....
(now it's "cigarettes will kill you" -- but will it?)
if i was less affected as i thought i was i wouldn't be so bugged about this issue but i do have to write about this. i just have to write about this otherwise i might find myself muttering to my own self while commuting from my dirty office to the even dirtier Jaro District (it's understandable; the flood, remember??).
if i didn't ask her to sarsuela would my phone be still around? talk of possibilities. maybe that "sms-ing" her was the jinx.
then i receive the lamest excuse EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR from a person with maybe an IQ higher than mine: "i went to blah blah blah and before i knew it it was my time to leave".
i mean how dazed and confused could you get it'd take you a week to realize you're HELLOO!! in third world Philippines and needs to pack up and go to another third world asian hellhole? I mean how bad could your life really really get? We had to feet water inside our house. and i'm broke. with bills to pay. or maybe there was just too much time for "dazing and confusing." dun...du...du...dunnnnnn!!!!
that is just so lame. i wish she just told me "i really didn't have plans to see your skinny ugly face" than give me poetics. With that she doesn't even need to say sorry because i'd instantly understand. BUT POETICS????? for chrissakes.
if only i could remember what excuse she gave when she refused to go out of their house to see us because she had her hair rebonded??? in the fucking philippines? what??? no rebond service in that another asian third world (oh, wait, maybe they're second already!)
People, people, people.
if you're not good at excuses, more so lying, don't ever attempt it at desperate moments especially when you don't have the liberties to click Ctrl+Z. and before you knew it...Ooops, it came out. and came out REALLY LAMEEEEEEEEEE.
people. people. people.
they never learn.
one excuse allowing me to a tantrums spree today is my runny nose and everything that the post-trangkaso condition has to offer. but an adult throwing tantrums is a big thumbs down, more so if she's broke like me.
hemingways....
(now it's "cigarettes will kill you" -- but will it?)
if i was less affected as i thought i was i wouldn't be so bugged about this issue but i do have to write about this. i just have to write about this otherwise i might find myself muttering to my own self while commuting from my dirty office to the even dirtier Jaro District (it's understandable; the flood, remember??).
if i didn't ask her to sarsuela would my phone be still around? talk of possibilities. maybe that "sms-ing" her was the jinx.
then i receive the lamest excuse EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR from a person with maybe an IQ higher than mine: "i went to blah blah blah and before i knew it it was my time to leave".
i mean how dazed and confused could you get it'd take you a week to realize you're HELLOO!! in third world Philippines and needs to pack up and go to another third world asian hellhole? I mean how bad could your life really really get? We had to feet water inside our house. and i'm broke. with bills to pay. or maybe there was just too much time for "dazing and confusing." dun...du...du...dunnnnnn!!!!
that is just so lame. i wish she just told me "i really didn't have plans to see your skinny ugly face" than give me poetics. With that she doesn't even need to say sorry because i'd instantly understand. BUT POETICS????? for chrissakes.
if only i could remember what excuse she gave when she refused to go out of their house to see us because she had her hair rebonded??? in the fucking philippines? what??? no rebond service in that another asian third world (oh, wait, maybe they're second already!)
People, people, people.
if you're not good at excuses, more so lying, don't ever attempt it at desperate moments especially when you don't have the liberties to click Ctrl+Z. and before you knew it...Ooops, it came out. and came out REALLY LAMEEEEEEEEEE.
people. people. people.
they never learn.
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!
15 July 2008
writers.
Writers are people who write. By and large, they are not happy people. They're not good at relationships. Often they're drunks. And writing -- good writing -- does not get easier and easier with practice. It gets harder and harder -- so eventually the writer must stall out into silence.The silence that waits for every writer and that, inevitably, if only with death (if we're lucky the two may happen at the same time: but they are still two, and their coincidence is rare), the writer must fall into is angst-ridden and terrifying - and often drives us mad. (In a letter to Allen Tate, the poet Hart Crane once described writing as "dancing on dynamite.") So if you're not a writer, consider yourself fortunate.
http://journal.neilgaiman.com/search?updated-max=2008-06-18T19%3A52%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=10
http://journal.neilgaiman.com/search?updated-max=2008-06-18T19%3A52%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=10
11 July 2008
everlong.
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang
Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
running.
i braved the 32nd milo marathon on july 6 despite being a flood casualty, lacking training for almost 2 years and the looming mood disorders. i was not as excited as the first time i joined the (sissy!) 3k fun run during the UPV sportsfest 7 years ago.
my 3 year-old pair of shoes also needs some gluing. OH MY GOD.
so at 9 pm when my son was alrady fast asleep, i took time to brush the trainers and applied the ever-popular sniff drug known as "rugby". when i was done applying, i turned the rear leg of our heavy bamboo chairs into weights to make sure that the newly-glued trainers could withstand the 5k run along calle real and gen. luna.
then i had problem falling asleep. it's already 1130 pm and it seemed i had to count sheep to get my needed rest before the run tomorrow. i'll run lacking sleep but that's okay. i used to run lacking sleep and with the perfect most cute hang over and finished without any difficulty. i strongly hoped lack of training and mood disorders would just be little potholes compared to the hangover.
and then 50 meters from the starting line a fat guy stepped into my loosely tied left shoe.
i am starting to really hate these fat guys. aside from occupying too much space, they create an imbalance in food distribution and are probably the primary, if not the sole, cause of world hunger stalking many developing countries right now.
and becasue of that fat guy i'm totally DONE.
i spent a good 20 second or more fixing my shoe and tying my shoelace making sure no fat guy foot could ever take them of my gaddam skinny foot.
then i ran and ran and ran and ran and couldn't seem to find my second wind. but god (yes!) is great and i eventually got my second wind reward 15 minutes through the run. the winner of the 5k marathon had just passed me by. he was only 1k away from the finish line and i still have 4k to go.
nothing is ever harder than lack of training. believe me.
but still, i am quite satisfied by my 40minute run for the 5k since i expected i would perform worse.
my sister, on the other hand did really well, she finished without stopping for a walk or anything, except that 1.5k to finish she stepped into a wet silt from the latest typhoon/flood and slipped, gashing her left knee.
i'm really quite satisfied although i know i could have performed better and given more. i'll charge my poor performance to well, of course, my 2 year training absentee, my poor diet and lack of proper hydration above all else. the first was due to my pregnancy, although i always try to avoid this as an excuse because one female filipino who had a 5-month old son was able to reach mt. everest. the last two i blame on the typhoon because 2 weeks before the run i resorted to practically a diet of junk equivalent to maybe my 2 months consumption of junk food on ordinary and regular days. We also had to save water so we drank only as little as we could because potable water is a luxury during that post-typhoon week so there's little cleansing adn detoxifying and hydrating that i could do.
next year we'll do better. hopefully i could bring my son along for the kiddie 3k.
hopefully.
my 3 year-old pair of shoes also needs some gluing. OH MY GOD.
so at 9 pm when my son was alrady fast asleep, i took time to brush the trainers and applied the ever-popular sniff drug known as "rugby". when i was done applying, i turned the rear leg of our heavy bamboo chairs into weights to make sure that the newly-glued trainers could withstand the 5k run along calle real and gen. luna.
then i had problem falling asleep. it's already 1130 pm and it seemed i had to count sheep to get my needed rest before the run tomorrow. i'll run lacking sleep but that's okay. i used to run lacking sleep and with the perfect most cute hang over and finished without any difficulty. i strongly hoped lack of training and mood disorders would just be little potholes compared to the hangover.
and then 50 meters from the starting line a fat guy stepped into my loosely tied left shoe.
i am starting to really hate these fat guys. aside from occupying too much space, they create an imbalance in food distribution and are probably the primary, if not the sole, cause of world hunger stalking many developing countries right now.
and becasue of that fat guy i'm totally DONE.
i spent a good 20 second or more fixing my shoe and tying my shoelace making sure no fat guy foot could ever take them of my gaddam skinny foot.
then i ran and ran and ran and ran and couldn't seem to find my second wind. but god (yes!) is great and i eventually got my second wind reward 15 minutes through the run. the winner of the 5k marathon had just passed me by. he was only 1k away from the finish line and i still have 4k to go.
nothing is ever harder than lack of training. believe me.
but still, i am quite satisfied by my 40minute run for the 5k since i expected i would perform worse.
my sister, on the other hand did really well, she finished without stopping for a walk or anything, except that 1.5k to finish she stepped into a wet silt from the latest typhoon/flood and slipped, gashing her left knee.
i'm really quite satisfied although i know i could have performed better and given more. i'll charge my poor performance to well, of course, my 2 year training absentee, my poor diet and lack of proper hydration above all else. the first was due to my pregnancy, although i always try to avoid this as an excuse because one female filipino who had a 5-month old son was able to reach mt. everest. the last two i blame on the typhoon because 2 weeks before the run i resorted to practically a diet of junk equivalent to maybe my 2 months consumption of junk food on ordinary and regular days. We also had to save water so we drank only as little as we could because potable water is a luxury during that post-typhoon week so there's little cleansing adn detoxifying and hydrating that i could do.
next year we'll do better. hopefully i could bring my son along for the kiddie 3k.
hopefully.
10 July 2008
depression.
it has been a very difficult end of June and beginning of July. It would even be more difficult in August and September, the hungry months.
flood water inside our house at 3pm.
i usually measure in feet.at 3pm the flood water is about 1.5 feet.
it will peak at 1630 to more or less 2.5-3 feet.
i usually measure in feet.at 3pm the flood water is about 1.5 feet.
it will peak at 1630 to more or less 2.5-3 feet.
by 3 pm water on the streets has risen to at least 3 feet.
And that is not without a very strong current.
Manong sikad driver ended his shift early,
tied his pedicad somewhere and salvaged
the seat to save himself.
It' s not even halfway through the month but i've only got 500 bucks in my wallet. i totally overspent during the 1st week of the flood, panic buying food and spending too much on water. I never imagined in my whole life that water would be this costly, even the water i'll use to wash my face with. We had to buy drinking water a kilometer away from our house and transportation is never cheap.
the guy from door 9 playing with the floating spare tire
that has escaped from our landlord's flooded garage.
another landlord garage's escapist.
maybe i should start praying now. maybe we should really go to mass now.
quite convincing?
but i never really turned to praying nor to church going even in my darkest, loneliest days of 2003. instead, i turned to zoloft and epival. maybe i should start getting back to them. maybe i should...but there's...maybe i should just buy water...and see friends on the weekends, watch AD's sarsuela rehearsals and walk alone along General Luna at dusk unafraid and unmindful of probable pickpockets, snatchers, murderers because i don't look like i have money at all except that i'm showing some legs because i was wearing mini-skirt and i go home to find my son asleep and i changed and washed and went to sleep because tomorrow would be another day.
i hope i can stop thinking about killing myself.
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