But I could barely connect the old you with the one I see in the recent pictures of you. I know, facebook magic. I’ve deleted and blocked you already but these things—your picture from a common friend’s album-- still amazingly pop up. Like magic.
sometimes i do wonder how much of your old self still remains.
i envy how easy it was for you to dispose of the friendship because with pure, unadulterated honesty, I will tell you, it took me time to recover. it did not hurt and i did not wallow in sadness but i was bitter. Since then. up until this time i was bitter, especially after i've finally proven i would never get the apology that i wanted from you. Because I made myself believe that we were both on the same boat and we both follow the same set of values. And because i say sorry when i know i've dissed somebody. And you don’t. and you also don’t admit that you’re wrong while I’d profusely apologize. It’s my default setting. I’m sad to learn that despite being from the same assembly line we matured so different from each other. It’s a pity; we almost grew up together.
I know you are the kind that came from some distant universe—the insensitive kind, so I will tell you: when a dear friend stops contacting you, stops asking about you, and, when you finally see each other, avoids eye contact with you, dude, you're one brain-damaged moron not to even feel something is wrong. and you know what, that is exactly what i got from you: a brain-damaged moron’s reaction.
Dude, I so badly wanted to forget about it, and by doing so, I imposed upon myself a gag order and total news blackout. Then I learned that you lied and you kept on lying to my face (but I remained cool and like a martyr lover I remained right where I know you’d expect me), But I’m an idiot and instead of leaving it at that, I retraced my steps and started having doubts; that maybe i was wrong after all, that maybe i was too harsh on my assumptions, too cruel for on my conclusions about your shortcomings. So i did what i was supposed to do. i looked for a second opinion. And where else to get it but from another friend. Level headed big gay heart-ed comic. I asked him if breaking up with a friend is a rational thing to do.
and his most amazing, top-ranking constructive answer in the world was, " People even break up with their religion. Even marriages break. Why wouldn't friendship?"
"but we were together since highschool. we've been together half our age."
"precisely, my point. people change over time, why wouldn't high school friends?"
My thoughts, exactly. and he smiled . It was the best day in the world. And it remained like that until you decided to come back and have a kabaduyan shebang.
Suddenly all the common friends want explanations? Dammit, man, why am I suddenly being asked to explain? Can’t you do it yourself? You have better vocabulary than I.
And man, if you care to know, I now have to endure uncomfortable moments of silence every time i am told of the wonderful dinner our common friends had with you, of this exciting, utterly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious giveaway they got from your kid's party, or of how wonderful your partner is. I have yet to master the poker face. I envy you, you do not have to go through all of this, because dude, none in our group of friends are ever interested to talk to you about me, or my kid, or my husband because i choose to be quiet. they've got nothing to talk to you about me because that’s the way I want it. Can’t you fucking do the same? because frankly, i do not know how to react, or what to say back, except a hypocritical "cute", or "good to know you had a good time". i do not really care about how you are now, how cute your kid is, how eccentric, rich and delightful your husband is. But i have to be told, anyway, because despite my having had made an official press release that you and i have long broken up--separated, hating each other, nil, nada, wala na kami, we're not shitting friends anymore--none in the group seems to remember, or is tactful enough to know that when they tell or show me things about/from you i look at them with an uninterested stranger's eyes, listen to them with deaf's ears.
And because, man, I honestly do not know how to be polite to somebody I do not like. Know that, because you will understand why I did not attempt to talk to you last we saw each other.
And because I am tired of having to explain to our friends why i chose to break away from our relationship. Because I am tired of having to explain to them that dude, things break up. rules break up. lovers break up. married people break up. what makes us so special not to break up?
But i continue to be a hypocrite and respond positively because i am a hypocrite. and pretend—take note, pretend, not LIE--is one thing that hypocrites do. So i pretend and tell my friends that "Wow, that tumbler's cute!" even if i think it's the tackiest, white trash-like giveaway ever (honestly man, baduy talaga. hindi na nga talaga kita friend kasi ang layo mo na, dahil baduy ka na mag conceptualize.) because why why why, why why why up to this moment you keep on wanting to be in my life? why why why can't they understand the rules of breaking up? that when people separate, especially those long separated, the least one should do is talk about parties involved when either party is present.
It’s tact. You can’t buy it from the mall, I’m sorry. But get one, if you can. And, honesty, too.
Because, man, you know, it’s also pretty tiring to have to explain always, and I can’t pretend all the time.
For world peace man, do your part.
....
