I thought i'd stay away from things too risky--which i did for some good four years.
So when i was first invited to join a project in Afg, my automatic response was to say "No" because it was the right thing to do. The work was, after all, not just risky, but VERY risky. My kid was too young to lose a mother. The second time i got the same invitation, I again said "No" but informed the invitee that i will be asking around. I wanted to compare the pros and cons. Hearing this, he took the "inviting" a step further--he started showing me half of the real deal. My friend, after learning about it, urged me to accept the offer. She said her colleague who has just gotten back from that place has gotten so highly marketable he easily got a post for a project in colombia (or was it bolivia?). Wow, i so wanted to go to south america. they have very nice architecture there.
I think i will consider.
Now, two months into unemployment i couldn't wait for the deployment notice. i now badly wanted that engagement. And also because in a few more weeks, i'll be broke. The least i'd like to happen is me asking money from my husband. It embarrasses me. I've never really learned to live off from other people's earnings because it seems not fair. I honestly feel that in a family the husband is only responsible for himself and his share of responsibility for the kid(s). The wife should find her own financial security. Therefore she must find a way to contribute to the bills and the things for the kid(s) but certainly her whims is not the husband's responsibility. That way, everything is "equal".
Gad, I really am pathetic.
With so much time in my hands now, I wish i had outrightly said "Yes" at the first invitation and immediately gave my CV. What was i thinking? Why did i let the news on BBC faze me and give me nightmares? After all, if i do get killed on duty, what my kid would be getting would be more than enough to put him through an expensive university. Hell, it might even be enough to support him post-university should he choose to become a starving artist/writer.
I've been reading the Balkan memoirs of Greg Campbell and John Falk and they honestly got me envious. John Falk, especially, since he only got and survived the Bosnia assignment because he wanted to "play" with his existence. He was never really there as a hard-ass frontline journalist. He was there to see if the bombs and the bullets could scare the shit out of him. To test my excitement, I watched Restrepo on Nat Geo last Sunday. Nothing. Not scared. Did I say Diego Bunuel has been there? And Reza--i'm a fan of his work and his advocacy.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's just the holidays. I've never been really a fan of Christmas because I've never had good experiences with this season.
Who knows what I'll feel when the papers are really there, in my face. But now i know, when you got the restlessness in your blood, you have it forever. I don't think i'll ever be mellowing down.
FIN.
------*Mellow Doubt is a title of a very beautiful Teenage Fanclub song from their equally beautiful and amazing album (okay, second to the more beautiful, Bandwagonesque) Grand Prix.
No comments:
Post a Comment